Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
