If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
