I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
