If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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