my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
