with your own penis?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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