you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
