Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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