On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
In America we eat man semen.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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