Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
