have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
