there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You ruined the universe
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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