If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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