she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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