so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
