I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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