I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
