I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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