tell your sister to shave her snatch
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
