Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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