My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
