Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
