so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
