John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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