Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
