My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
