I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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