Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
