I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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