I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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