i need an iv and a liver transplant
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
