last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
