Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
