Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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