1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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