I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
