Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
