I think I died a long time ago.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
