my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
