I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Welp...herpes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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