she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
