New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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