He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
