it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
