What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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