Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
