Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
