If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
