Already got asked if we're dating
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
