Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
