Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
