saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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