Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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