my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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